VileFoulAndEvil: the layoff

I come to work one morning, and notice general distress, the employee in the next cubicle crying, some others clearing their desks. Uh-oh.

DumberBoss invites me to come with her. She leads me to a room where a HR person and the AmiableGeezer, an older guy who was recently demoted from SomeoneImportant to SomeoneUnimportant sit at the tacle.

AmiableGeezer: Mission-vision, mission-vision, restructuring organization...
Koodiorjatyttö: Since I am about to be kicked out, I am not interested in your mission-vision anymore. Tell me about my severance package.
AmiableGeezer: I just wanted you to know it is nothing personal...
Koodiorjatyttö: You kicked out 5 people from my cubicle row of 8. I think I have already figured it is nothing personal. Now, the severance package?
AmiableGeezer: 2 weeks of salary, 4 more if you sign a paper that you won't sue us. 2 months of free insurance, 18 months of paid insurance.
Koodiorjatyttö (signing): OK. (aside) If I really find out I have something to sue you for this bit of paper won't help you.

I walk out of the room and am taken to the next room, where there is the counselor (Kukkahattutäti) they brought in to help us cope.

Kukkahattutäti (using calming gestures, expression and tone of voice at Koodiorjatyttö): Hello! Please sit down. Are you OK? A layoff is the most traumatic thing that can happen to a human being.
Koodiorjatyttö (using calming gestures, expression and tone of voice at Kukkahattutäti): Hi! I am OK, and you? You look worried. I don't think it has been very traumatic so far.
Kukkahattutäti: Is everything all right? What are you gonna do when you go out of this door?
Koodiorjatyttö: Since the company's rules on sexual harassment do not concern me anymore, ask some cute guy out. Maybe even two.
Kukkahattutäti: That's a nice attitude. What else are you gonna do today?
Koodiorjatyttö: Get some sushi, get properly drunk. Maybe get laid if I am really lucky.
Kukkahattutäti: Here is my number, call me if you need to talk.

I am taken from Kukkahattutäti to my desk and given a plastic box to put my stuff in. I try to upload my private files and notice that there in no Ethernet cable.

Koodiorjatyttö: I need to get my own files.
DumberBoss: We'll send them to you in a couple of weeks. We'll contact you.
Koodiorjatyttö (aside): Except that you don't know any passwords, don't know what to send and have no contact information for me.

I go to say goodbye to the people I actually knew at work. The people from the SmallEuropeanCountryThatIsNotFinland are watching the layoff proceedings with their mouths open. I exchange email addresses and phone numbers with the guys from my project. WorldsWorstHRPerson, officially on her first day of work, comes up to me, does not introduce herself and goes straight to business:


WorldsWorstHRPerson: Do you need any help packing?
Koodiorjatyttö: No, thanks, everything is packed already. Just saying goodbye to people.
WorldsWorstHRPerson: You better be out of the building in five minutes, or else I'll call security.
Koodiorjatyttö: OK.

Now the people from the SmallEuropeanCountryThatIsNotFinland are really impressed.

NiceTestingProjectManager (who has not been laid off): Where are you going?
Koodiorjatyttö: To have some sushi and get drunk.
NiceTestingProjectManager: I am coming with you! Fuck the work!